Welcome, baby girl Stevie Marie

So many nights of my pregnancy I’d be in tears. Have you ever been so close to having your greatest dream come true? For me, that dream is being a mom.

In April of last year, I tasted the first taste of that dream coming true - a faintly positive pregnancy test. I was overjoyed, but only for a moment. Something deep in my most inner consciousness knew that I wouldn’t hold this baby in my arms. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test for days, and the line only grew marginally darker. At our first appointment, we were told only the embryo sac and gestational sac were present, but no heartbeat yet - and the sacs were smaller than they should be by their estimated age. Despite my instinctual feeling, we shared the joy we had over this life with our family and friends. Less than a week after our first ultrasound, I lost our baby, and I experienced the most intense emotional and physical pain of my life. Although I was outwardly very disturbed, it may have seemed to those around me that I came to peace with this loss more quickly than expected. The reality was that I had already begun mourning the loss of this baby before I lost this baby. I don’t think of this as morbid, but rather a testament to the very real and primal instincts that all moms have. Our first baby, which I named Blessing, made me a mom. Because from the moment of that first positive pregnancy test, I was filled with a love that I could never have understood without it, an awe that I never experienced prior, and a worry that I now know will never fully cease. My husband and I buried the remains of Blessing on Mothers Day, at a meaningful place where we can continue to visit and honor the soul that first made us mom and dad.

I resolved to do my best to enjoy the summer, pray without ceasing that we would be blessed again, and try to be hopeful for the future. Two months later, I almost couldn’t believe it - I was pregnant again. I’ll never forget that the first words I ever used to describe our baby to Ryan were these: “I have a feeling this baby is going to be strong.” Unfortunately, my one day of joy was followed by nine months of overwhelming anxiety. Would I lose this baby, too? What is my likelihood of miscarriage this week? What about next week? I thought after twenty weeks my anxieties would end, but they didn’t. Once I could feel the baby move that brought some comfort, until the baby would move less the next day.

Still, I had hope, and I held onto that first instinctual thought I had that I shared with Ryan - this baby, our baby girl, was going to be strong. When intrusive thoughts entered my mind I told myself that those horrible thoughts were not our story. In the last weeks of my pregnancy, I wept as I watched Emily Vondy’s "No Lack of Plot” segment where her husband reminded her that when we are weak, Jesus is strong. Those words became my mantra as I toughed out the last leg of the incredible journey that is pregnancy.

Throughout my pregnancy, one of the most frequent intrusive thoughts I had was fear of complications from a nuchal chord. Again, deep in my gut I knew that our baby had a nuchal chord, but was told again and again by doctors and ultrasound techs not to worry about it, that they can’t confirm it, and complications are rare anyway. When I was eventually induced due to reduced fetal movement, my fears were confirmed when she required an operative vaginal delivery via vacuum due to a tightly wrapped double nuchal chord causing dramatically reduced heart rate. To any current or future mom reading this, I say this: Always listen to your instincts. Even if it makes you feel crazy, or you’re afraid of other people thinking you’re crazy.

I thank God everyday for the doctor that delivered our baby girl. With one swift maneuver our baby was untangled and proceeded to let out a big, loud, beautiful cry. That will forever be the greatest sound I’ve ever heard.

Stevie Marie, who was due on April 30th (our wedding anniversary) was born beautifully healthy a week early - April 23rd. April 23rd was a date that Ryan and I thought would be a very special birthday for her if it happened that way because both our birthdays fall on the 23rd as well. God thought so, too.

Stevie is our dream come true, and holding her in my arms gives me the greatest peace and sense of completeness. I was born to be her mom, and my only lasting prayer is to have as much time as possible in this life together.